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Gambling Jokes & Anecdotes


Casino / Gambling Jokes
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags...
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen co...
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The sp...
A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The sp...
A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He ne...
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Online Gambling Jokes
The first couple of years when sports bookie�s were putting up over/under totals on baseball games, it was a very experimental process. Most games were set at 8 or 9 for total scores by both teams. Well years ago, a man flew to Chicago, and figured out that the wind almost everyday plays a very big role in the games at Wrigley Field, home of the Chicago Cubs. An elderly lady living in a very tall apartment, just across the street made a deal that would change both of their lives. 15 minutes before each game, the gambler would call the lady at her home and ask here which direction the flags were pointing do to the wind blowing on or off of the lake. If the wind was blowing out to the outfield, he would bet the game to be high scoring because of the increased chances of there being more home runs. If the flags were blowing in, he would bet the game to be low scoring because the ball was not going to be hit far on those days. He would then pay the lady�s rent each month. This man made a killing over the first few years. Now since the age of technology, the sports books now get this information before they post up the odds. When the wind is blowing out, you can see these over/under totals be posed up to 13 runs, or as low as 7, depending on the wind direction.

Some states do offer "OTB", off-track betting
Some states do offer "OTB", off-track betting. These little bookie shops are scattered around a large city where you can bet on the horse races and do not have to drive all the way to the track. One day, a religious group scattered around town to spread "the good word", to the people in the downtown area. One person out of this group walked into the horse shop filled with 70 horse bettors and opened the door and yelled "Pray For Forgiveness", and walked out the door and down the street. Ole� a compulsive gambler who had a bad day with the early races, went down the street and ran up to the man and said, "What Race?" Ole� and Lena moved into a new retirement community, and Ole� was invited to a guy�s night out for a long poker game on Saturday night. Ole� was sure he won the first hand of the night, when he flashed his cards showing 3 Kings. As Ole� was grabbing the poker chips, Kenny said "Not so fast, I got 3 Aces." Ole� asked to see Kenny�s hand, but the rest of the neighbors told Ole� that this was strictly a gentlemen�s game and there was no need to show your hand do to the fact of the community trust with everyone. When Ole� came home that night, Lena asked him how the poker night went. Ole� said, "Just great, after the first hand I never lost the rest of the night."

Monkeys and Lottery
A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once." "Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."

"William, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!" "That's great, honey! Should I pack for the beach, the mountains, or what?" "Who cares? Just get out."

Butcher
A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you L50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.



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